I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
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She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
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I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!