In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
