the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
