So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
