i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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