im drinking this country out of the recession.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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