Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
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