it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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