I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
