he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
