You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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