I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
