I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
