i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
The best revenge is premature balding
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
