The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
