Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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