im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
