You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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