i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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