Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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