I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
