my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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