He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
