I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
