Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
