dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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