I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
