She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
