I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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