I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
