Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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