Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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