She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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