I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
