Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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