I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
