Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
