whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
