great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
