I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
