I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
