i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
