Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
