The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
