NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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