Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
It's blow job season.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
