U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I puked a lego.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
