I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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