: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
