You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
