I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Randomize
