I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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