Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The best revenge is premature balding
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
