Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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