and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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