i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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